Wild Child

Wild Child

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I am Deeper then the Surface... Part 2

“A spirit too needs fuel”- Ayn Rand
A spirit too needs fuel…
A spirit too needs fuel…
Just think about that…
So simple and so true…
I realize that the void in my life was just that…
My heart was so full of love…
Yet I was slowly dying somehow…
I was deeply miserable…
Yet I could not explain it to anyone…
We each are meant to do something special to us in life…
Some of us never find what that is…
We attempt to do other things or jobs that we hope will keep us content…
Yet some can go through life contented…
Others not so much…
I may not be the most amazing artist…
But I am an artist…
I am not being me if I do not create…
If I do not express…
Whether in a meal…
Whether in a drawing…
Whether in a sculpture…
Whether in a design of a room…
Whether in word…
Whether in a photo…
I am not fulfilling my destiny if I ignore what I know to be must be…
Denying myself the ability to be myself…
No soul…
No drive…
No passion…
No excitement…
No vision…
No creating…
No art…
I may not be saving the world…
Saving a life…
Doing something globally and positively impactful…
If…I can inspire a handful of people in a positive way…
If…I can touch a heart to feel loved…
If…I can make a soul feel important…
Through my lessons learned…
Through my shared experiences…
Through my own pain…
Then I will feel fulfilled…
I wrote this as part of my healing process…
I am woman like any other…
What I’ve experienced has been experienced before me and will be after me…
Nothing new or different…
Divorce…
Or…on the way to one…
What a painful experience…
It’s the death of a marriage…
The death of your best friend…
Your lover…
Your mentor…
Your supporter…
Your life…
Two souls that mesh as one…
He completed me…
Made me better…
Consumed by my love for him…
I lost myself along the way…
And now…I had to find myself again…
By force no less…
Why couldn’t I keep my identity with him?
Why didn’t I have the courage to make choices?
Why couldn’t I make myself happy?
So, that I could be happy with him…
So, that I could be happy with the wonderful things I was blessed to have in my life…
So, here I am writing…
By accident…
By destiny….
Pouring out of me like a running faucet…
Maybe…
Not everyone would have thought to write and express themselves on paper…
Maybe…
They were afraid to share the most intimate details…
The most intimate thoughts…
Desires….
Sensations…
Emotions…
Reactions…
I am compelled to do this…
We are more alike then we realize…
Women…
Strong creatures, we are…
We can give life…
Nurture…
Fight harder then even men in many ways…
So underestimated in life…
I am more consistently discouraged then I am encouraged to move forward…
No one pushes me forward more then myself…
No one loves me more then myself…
From deep, deep inside my recesses I somehow find the energy and the drive to take on another day…
Each day…
To be better then I was yesterday…
To love more then I loved yesterday…
To work harder then I did yesterday…
To forgive again and again so I can heal…
So I can understand…
So I can be wise…
So I can love…
So I can create…
So I can find happiness…
So I can feel fulfilled…
So I can be just me…
All I want is to be just me…
You get what you see…
You see what I am…
I am me…

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